Posts Tagged ‘kim kardashian humphries’

My name is Kris Humphries.  Everything’s been coming up Millhouse for me lately.  I revitalized my brand through excellent play on the court of the basketball.  I married the most famous woman in the world if you don’t count women who are famous for a reason.  Then I realized that my marriage was a sham, which was a huge coup for me personally.  My wife, Kimberly Kardashian, married me, Kris Humphries, as a publicity stunt.  I am trying to say this plainly but I will try harder: I am so awesome that a celebrity used me as a stepping stone for her already wildly successful career.

As a member of the New Jersey Nets, I turned my middling career around.  I gave the great state of New Jersey two “contract years” in terms of production, even though you only need to do it once.  Now the team is moving to Brooklyn, and I’m moving somewhere too.  I don’t know where it will be just yet, but it doesn’t matter. This is my moment, you guys.  I have over 919,000 Twitter followers.  Some men leave their mark on the world through great societal deeds, or a severely offensive carbon footprint.  I’m somewhere in the middle: Kris Humphries exposed the Kardashian family. And now, Kris Humphries will break the Dwight Howard trade.

As cool as it is for my old team to throw me away like a piece of unwanted garbage while they give Gerald Wallace a huge contract, trade for one of the most overpaid players in the entire universe, and lust over Dwight Howard like tweens asking their older brother for the link to my ex-wife’s sex tape, I was a little annoyed when they asked me to do them a solid.  They said, “Hey, Kris, it’s been great, but we need you to agree to move to Cleveland so we can sign Dwight Howard.”  My first thought was: “LOL SORRY BRO.”  But then they told me they would get me a fat four-year deal and I was all: “OK I’m listening…” Apparently they didn’t bother to ask Cleveland about that four-year deal.  So they came back and said “Hey, Kris, we couldn’t get that four-year deal for you, so we got you a one-year deal instead.”

I don’t think you need me to tell you how that went.  This is my moment, you guys.  Dudes who have moments don’t just sign one-year deals to play for the Cavs after not one, but two contract years.  No, I will not go quietly into the good night.  I was listening to the Rebecca Black album the other day and I knew that I deserved better.  My girl was not hitting any of the notes but the lyrics resonated in the deepest parts of my soul.

Haters, said I’ll see you later
Can’t talk to you right now
I’m getting my paper
Said I’m doing big things
Things you never dreamed of
I hope you are happy cause I’m ’bout to blow up

This is my moment, my moment
It’s my time, flying high, lime, mine
Feels like my moment, my moment
I’ve waited for so long
But now everybody knows this is my moment, my moment

I’m so appreciative of everything everyone has done for me.  The women in my life have been amazing.  Kim, Kris, Dwight.  A special shout out to Dwight for putting me in the spotlight again.  My jawline and rugged good looks should get me far more airtime than I currently receive.  I just feel like I have tons of unfinished business in the public eye. I have my second chance.  This is my moment. This is my Excitable Boy.  I am Warren Zevon.  But I am mostly Kris Humphries, and this is my moment.  Thank you Rebecca Black, thank you Kim Kardashian, thank you Dwight Howard.  Thank you New Jersey, thank you Cleveland.  It’s time for me to shine; it’s time for me to get paid.  It’s time for me to break the Dwight Howard trade. (C.Dirks)*

*If you were surprised to not see (K. Humphries) at the end of this post, then I am deeply sorry.